Seeing the World in Clearer, Simpler Ways
Last Sunday we celebrated Father’s Day. I don’t know if this is a global holiday, or if it’s just a U.S. holiday, but reading an article in the Father’s Day edition from the New York Times made me think about my role as a father.
I am a lot of different things to different people. To some, I’m a blogger and podcaster. To others, I’m an employee and team member. To others, I’m a church member and scout leader. To others, a basketball player. To others, a friend. To my wife, a husband. But to three young girls, I’m a dad.
In the NY Times article, Michael Winerip explains that some years ago, he was putting in 11 hour days with a 2.5 hour daily commute. When he finally arrived home in the evenings, his children would catch just a glimpse of their father before bedtime. Winerip was upset about missing his kids grow up. And his wife felt like her career was suffering due to being off track as a stay-at-home mother. So they switched, and he became the stay-at-home parent to raise their children while she worked.
A while back I wrote about this dilemma in my post Telecommuting into Nonexistent Worlds. If my wife suddenly wanted to work outside the home and could support us, I would trade roles in an instant. But things being as they are, that reversal probably won’t happen anytime soon.
But that doesn’t mean that, as a father, I can’t get more involved in my kids’ lives. Winerip says the great barometer of parental involvement is whether you plan your kids’ birthdays or whether you just help out.
A few weeks ago, I had a memorable conversation with my eight-year-old daughter (Sally on Jane’s blog). Jane was upset with me for having skipped her brother-in-law’s graduation, and for a few days I was in the metaphorical doghouse that all husbands are sometimes placed in.
In the doghouse, I spent a couple of evenings at the park with the kids. One night, I was sitting on a grassy knoll next to Sally watching baseball (the other kids were rolling on the hill), and I started to ask Sally her opinion on a range of dilemmas I was facing, everything from how to get out of the doghouse to whether I should keep doing WordPress consulting to whether I should attend a certain event I didn’t want to attend. I had a lot on my mind that day and decided to do a role reversal: rather than be the parent always giving advice, I asked advice from Sally.
To my surprise, she had solid advice for every question I asked her. It caught me off guard at first. She was really smart. What I thought was complicated, she stripped down to the basic question in a few seconds and told me what to do. The wisdom of a child. The questions weren’t complicated to her; she didn’t deliberate about the dilemmas and weigh pros and cons of each option. They seemed like such simple decisions to her. She even laughed a few times while giving me answers.
In a way I’m grateful for being in the doghouse those evenings, because it changed how I acted as a parent. I still continue to ask Sally for her advice. For example, after I wrote a draft of my Lifelines to the STC post, I felt uneasy about it. The original version was quite a bit more negative. I asked Sally if I should publish it. She asked me if the STC was something I wanted to continue or something I wished would end. If I wanted it to continue, she said I should soften my post. I ended up rethinking some of my points and softening the post, and I’m glad I did. Thank you, Sally!
After this role reversal experience, I feel more respect for my children. They aren’t just little people needing my full attention and parenting; they are smart little people who see the world in clearer, simpler ways. I don’t know if I ever possessed the same uncanny commonsense when I was a child, but if I did, it’s something I would like to regain. Perhaps this is one reward for being a father—having the gift of children to show you what you lost.
Very true!
Although for a father it is not easy to spend so much time with kids at home, still role-reversal seems a good idea!
Even kids get to know more about issues and how we handle them, isn’t it?
There is so much we can learn from kids as well- simplicity, innocence and unconditional love…
Thanks! Very insightful. My own daughter is 3, and after maternity leave I went part-time (thanks to the understanding of my employer) so I could spend as much time with her as possible. She is a pretty energetic and determined little girl, and I’ve learned a lot from her already. I can only hope she learns some good things from me and her father, too.
I really like this (obviously). Except, why is it so inconceivable that we could switch roles? Could it be because I supported you through a three-year graduate program even though we were really, really poor during the period? I’m pretty sure if I went to law school for three years we could easily switch roles after that. Sounds only fair, right?
Jane, thanks for the comment. I’m all for supporting you through law school if that’s what you want to do. You did mention BYU’s Law School a few times, right?
Whatever. Don’t try to placate me with your easy agreeability. It would be more complicated than it sounds, and I’m not sure it would be for the best. Something to dream about, though.
This is lovely, Tom. Lovely. Reminds me of a talk I had with another mother when my kids were small. She said, “what if we assumed kids were smart when they were born”. She was referring to how parents talk down to their kids in many situations where it is not necessary. Of course, you are a teacher when it comes to looking both ways before crossing the road and that sort of thing, but otherwise, on a day-to-day level, show respect. They are human beings who just haven’t had time to have your experience.
Here’s to many more wonderful conversations with all your children.
This is something I don’t quite understand about marriage, and I mean no offense. But how is it that a grown man is “in the metaphorical doghouse that all husbands are sometimes placed in.” Are wives also placed in doghouses or are they always perfect?
I’m so glad you asked, Mark in Canada. Wives are always perfect, except when they are not, and such infrequent imperfect behavior can nearly always be traced to some catalytic behavior or characteristic of the husband’s.
(Tom is very forgiving. I’m an extremely lucky wife.)
Aww, how nice!
I enjoy hanging out with my grandchildren. I am not sure most of them are interested enough in my work to take the time to offer me advice. But it’s great your daughter will do it.
As for the whole doghouse business: It seems to me that keeping a spouse in the doghouse is a manifestation of nurturing anger and refusal to forgive. I would think such lack of forgiveness would be immature in my grandchildren, and I would expect their parents to be more mature, more conscious of the beams in their own eyes, and understanding that they need to forgive others so they can be forgiven for their own foibles.
Assuming, of course, that one has one’s own foibles.
Tom,
Hello from the Coast Guard Academy in Connecticut! Very nice write up. I had a similar situation with my 5 year old last month while in a slight daycare predicament. In a nutshell, an easy and simplistic answer to my problem existed, only I was trying to make it more difficult than it really was. Turns out, the little guy was right. Thanks for the reminder of simple commonsense and the importance of their influence in all aspects of our lives- including personal advice! I enjoy the blog. Thanks and best wishes.
Jason
@ Mr Winerip: Errrr … maybe find a job nearer home that doesn’t require 11 hours of work out of you? And a 2.5 hour commute? The ol’ 9-5?
Hello
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I loved this post. I have 5 kids myself, ranging from 2 years old to 14, and I have to say I have never really thought about asking them for advice. I am going to try it today !
Thanks Tom.
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